I got married on Friday (December 8, 2017).
Crazy story this whole marriage thing is. Honestly it couldn’t be any other way because that’s just me
Every single day leading up to wedding eve I wanted it to be over. I would get irritated at the thought of this stupid wedding being a thing. Everything about it made me cringe. The dress drama, photos, phone calls, bills, colors, music and more colors gave me dizzying headache. I just wanted to lock myself in a cave and play candy crush on my phone until the battery died.
We decided against a traditional wedding because we simply could not be bothered and opted for a simple wedding in Las Vegas with just the two of us. Still, the stripped down, bare bones Vegas style wedding was just too much fuss.
Here we go again.
I found myself in a familiar place, unamused by something seemingly so important and willing myself to get pumped about it. It wasn’t marriage I was aloof about, but the actual day and everything that came with it. I was so annoyed by the day, that I completely lost sight of the big step I was taking. So caught up in a let’s-just-get-this-over-with mind frame that I didn’t read the small print.
So busy staring at the finish line that is the obnoxious “Big Day”, that I tripped right over the hurdle in front of me and landed flat on my face.
Now me and Anon have been a pair for a few years (about 4) and in this time we have molded our lives, dreams, and deepest desires into one. It feels like we are in perfect stride with the universe’s dance; so beautiful and so perfect that I can’t even describe it. I am a woman of few words when it comes to my relationship because oftentimes the best things are not spoken, but felt. Frankly there is nothing to say when everything is exactly as it’s supposed to be. Marrying Anon was a logical right of passage we were just destined to do, and everything was great with the World.
By Thursday, my Vegas style wedding was well on its way and I wanted to say, “I do,” take a selfie, and head out to the casino, in that order.
Tacky right?
We were scheduled to do everything within a span of about 6 hours. At 10:30 we would get our marriage license and by 4:30 we would be wed and off to live our lives.
Except I never made it to the chapel that day.
On the way to get the marriage license I was feeling tense but didn’t know exactly why. I chalked it up to pre-wedding jitters and too much legal cannabis, so I muscled my way through as much of the process as I could – which turned out to be about 5 minutes.
In the car, I suddenly felt dizzy and claustrophobic. I remember saying to Anon, “I gotta get out of this car” and we jumped out at the light. Then my legs could no longer support my weight and down I went.
That’s right, me — Ms. What-is-the-big-effing-deal-anyway – nearly collapsed on the strip because turns out, getting married is a big deal.
I don’t remember anything vividly. I felt as though I was trying to grab on to my consciousness as it slipped up and away from me. Anon grasped me with two hands; one on my back and the other supporting the weight of my head and I remember looking down at my left leg, which was twisted at a peculiar angle and I wondered if I had a seizure.
As I regained strength I asked Anon what happened and he assured me that I was not in the afterlife, I had a pretty bad panic attack, and I would be just fine.
The adrenaline dump made me feel . . . raw.
I was terrified; the shrill-screaming bone-chilling kind.
I was afraid of the responsibility, my responsibility as a wife, later a mother, and even later a grandmother and matriarch of my own family. How, I thought, will I be able to pull it all off? What happens if I don’t? How can I deal with letting someone down, especially Anon? What if he figures me out? That I’m just Leah. I can’t make up my mind on anything and I forget my debit card at home all the time. What if he notices that I’m tremendously flawed?
Bring on the pressure.
This self-imposed pressure to be something is bogus. We’re always telling ourselves we are some label that someone we don’t even know made up. Every day until THEE day, I was about to be a wife and that meant a lot of things I could not understand or get an answer for. The pressure mounted on my shoulders as I read magazines and forums and listened to married people talk about being married. I never found the marriage is so hard stories helpful or entertaining and I didn’t look forward to sharing the my husband sucks camaraderie either. I studied and studied and come up with a simple solution to these marriage woes: just don’t eff up . . . ever. Easy right?
I brushed it under the rug and moved on.
I thought I had to have a dress and a ceremony and vows because that’s just what you’re supposed to do. So, I signed up and impatiently counted down the days so we could all stop talking about it already.
Panic set in when all the worries I never properly addressed decided to pay me a visit in the back of that car. They were so real in my mind but those worries were actually empty
I reasoned that Anon already knows I’m flawed (I don’t hide it well), and still wanted to marry me anyway.
I realized I told myself a wack story about what it means to be a wife and gave this word so much weight for no reason at all.
I also accepted this crucial fact: This is our life, and we can do whatever we want. The wedding is only ONE way to celebrate something much deeper (and ironically much bigger) than the day implies.
For me all the fuss is about combining everything you are; thoughts, worries, flaws, talents, good and bad habits into one being. An entire being that just didn’t exist before and just like a child being born, it suddenly does.
Hopefully this new being is better than we ever thought was possible on our own. Hopefully it makes us better individually. It’s much more than love and affection. It’s more complicated than saying “I do.” I would argue it doesn’t even happen in that moment because it’s too central to be timed and humans are really bad at timing.
It’s a big deal. It’s a big responsibility and pivotal moment where you put total trust in another human being. If neither one of you eff’s up, you will have a perfect marriage. Since perfection isn’t likely anyways, I guess we’re covered there too.
Luckily for us, Vegas was able to reschedule and told us if we show up with marriage license in hand, the minister will marry us just the same. We went Friday morning and were wed without incident . . . except for the missing wedding bands – because that’s just how we roll.
Making our own rules.
Together.
“Marriage is loving someone enough to grow for them.
The ugly, uncomfortable, vulnerable growth.
The kind that shakes you to your core
The kind that redefines what you know
The kind that always remembers
The kind that keeps you on your toes
The kind that most will never get to see
The kind that scares you
The kind I only want to do with you
My always and forever, forever.”
– Leah Dubs