Today, I finally won the nap battle with Baby.
When it comes to motherhood, I try to expect nothing and celebrate nothing because just when I think I’ve won, Baby shows me otherwise, so whether or not I’ve actually won the nap battle is still to be determined. However, this occasion is special because of the thought I had, tired and bruised on the battlefield:
Leah, you might actually be able to pull this off.
And that’s a big deal.
The first few months of motherhood broke me. I suffered deep sadness after Baby was born. I looked forward to the milestones promised to relieve my pain
The first few days are the worst
Once you get a good breastfeeding routine it will get better
When your hormones level out you’ll feel normal again
Get out of the house and go for walks
More sleep ought to do it
As each one came and went with no repose, I realized that I might have full blown postpartum depression. I was afraid of how long it would last and how deep it would take me.
The most burdensome worry was that I was extremely inept at motherhood. I wondered how I would be able to care for Baby adequately or do anything else with myself and my life ever again – even showers felt like a burden. What’s strange is that I logically knew that wasn’t a reasonable concern, I’d seen plenty of women raise wonderful children and live fulfilled lives.
That beautiful logical statement in my mind only made me compare myself to every other mother in the world and I conclude that I’m even WORSE than I thought because I can’t figure out something everyone else has.
At my lowest point I decided to speak up. I couldn’t hide anymore so I told one person
Then the next
Then the next
Then the next
And by talking to other mothers I realized that what I was going through was normal. It lifted a huge burden off my shoulders and I was convinced that it would in fact get better. . . eventually. So I sat and waited for eventually to come.
My stressful days didn’t lessen, but at least there was a light and I knew I would reach it someday. I was not alone and I leaned on my support system to help me take it all in stride. This hope took my sadness away but it did nothing for my blood pressure.
Me and Baby have had this nap battle every single day since the day he was born (see this post for details)
Long story short, he refuses to nap for me. He will nap for anyone else except me and the only way he will nap for me is if I nap with him which is great when I want to nap and torture when I don’t.
First, I felt bad about it. I must be doing something wrong since baby demonstrated that he can nap, just not the way i do it. Then I felt horrible for laying in bed all day and not getting anything else done; I figured I would just do this forever and not have a life at all.
I had become a nap achlemist and every day I tried combinations of tricks and every day I wasn’t getting any closer. I knew this was it, I would spend my first year of motherhood trying to get Baby to nap. This was going to be our story.
Then one day I tried something that worked for both of us.
When Baby woke up from his last nap on his first successful day of naps, he looked up at me and smiled. I finally saw what a well rested baby looked like and when I scooped him up to play I finally felt like a mom.
And in that moment I realized that I’m not a hack and that I wasn’t failing everyday like I thought, I was simply finding my way. From the post partum rubble, I was building and it was starting to look like something. I knew I that I had grown.
We all know growth hurts, but in the midst of pain we often forget. And maybe it’s supposed to be that way; if growth didn’t hurt so bad maybe we wouldn’t be so desperate for it. Perhaps it’s the desperation to relieve our pain that drives us and that’s okay.
One day, the pain doesn’t feel so bad; whether it breaks you or not, it will eventually pass. We can turn our backs on the pain to avoid the fire and maybe we won’t get burned, but we’ll remain the same and the flames will forever dance in the background, gently warming our backs so we’re no longer hurt by it, but we always know it’s there.
Or we can face it head on and let it burn us to a crisp so we can see what’s left – the pieces of our soul that cannot be burned – and rebuild from there, stronger and better than ever. Like the three little piggies with each trial we get smarter and more resilient, until our own personal big bad wolf can’t get through anymore. Only through fire can we truly rise from the ashes and it’s one of the most exhilarating experiences we could ever hope for.