Every quarter, once a quarter there’s this thing at my job called a revenue summit. During the revenue summit everyone on the team gathers from far and near for two days of hurrahs and strategy. Afterwards, we are all inspired, energized, and elated to be a part of our magnificent company.
I’ve been with the company for 8 months and 3 revenue summits. I loved the first one. I had been working there for a few weeks and I was fully armed with the enthusiasm of a young child on their first day of school . . .before they realize how mundane, unfulfilling and painful sitting in a classroom all day can be.
Sadly my job is no different. It starts out with great promise and dries up into withered sour resentment. Every job I’ve ever had seems to have this same effect – sometimes I wonder if it’s just me that feels this way, or if I’m just that unlucky. Self-pitying rant aside, after the first revenue summit my job became a place I hated to be every day. The second revenue summit soon followed, but by then I wasn’t fooled by the hurrah’s; I was there everyday, I knew what it felt like. On a typical day there was nothing to get excited about and no way to connect to my work in a meaningful way. Still, I found it a welcome relief to mundane tasks that gave me a dizzying headache.
By the time the third summit ended, it was very clear to me that I do not belong here, that I can never be so passionate about the company or their mission and I could never even fake it enough to pass as a decent imposter. I am a 5th grader again knee deep in bad lunches and long days wondering why I ever thought this was a better deal than staying at home in pajamas. I walked to the restroom after the final cheer and looked in the mirror with a heavy sigh.
I don’t belong here.
A wave of dread washed over me because I was no stranger to this grey world – this lifeless idle life that never made much sense to me. It is a world that burdens my spirit.
This same feeling occurred at my previous two jobs, and with bodybuilding. It’s this moment where I’m covered in mud and sweat when I suddenly realize that I don’t belong. I’m not supposed to be here, digging and sweating. I’m away from my tribe and my purpose. I’m shrinking. I’m lost.
Now what?
A strange phenomenon happens each time I reach the end of the rope. Everything gets turned on its head – sometimes instantly sometimes within months or even years. There’s something so powerful about me letting go that releases holds on my life in very unusual ways. This time, with a child on the way, I knew that I would have to quit but I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted to be a part of something great and I felt like this company would give that to me. 8 short months into the job and 7 years in the workforce I realized that no company could ever give me purpose, simply because purpose is not something anyone hands out. It’s something you can only find for yourself.
When you look for purpose in external things it always eludes you – peeking behind the revenue summits, promotions, and titles we’re told to believe in. It’s always dangling in hopefulness, but never materializes into something real. . . something that you can feel in your heartbeat. It rides the coattails of motivation and escapes your reach yet again when the hurrahs fade.
Maybe purpose is only a mirror reflecting what’s inside of us. Maybe that’s why we cling so desperately to these external things to make us feel whole, because somewhere beneath the surface, we are looking for more. More from ourselves, more from others, and more from our existence in this world.
But maybe purpose doesn’t need any special certifications, meetings or skills. Maybe it’s just the light that guides us in the darkness that is life.
As the revenue summit winded down and the sales team went back to their respective hometowns, I knew I would never see them again and that my time with this team and this company was coming to an end. This was my last revenue summit, and my last ditch effort to will myself to be somewhere I don’t want to be. My purpose can’t be discovered here; It can only be lived as a result of my willingness to follow my heart.
If I never try to fit in anywhere, I’ll never have to worry about reaching a dead end. Why not endeavor to live a life of discovery and adventure – one without a map of purpose and promise. A life with no rules or expectations and ultimately no pain. One that vibrates with enthusiasm at every turn.
Life is more fun that way anyways.